Dear Order
by SilverWolf7007
Summary: "I'm still alive, as you may surmise from this note. Of course, I could be dead and someone is faking the letter to fool you…" Harry is NOT happy about being left at Privet Drive all summer with no one to talk to.
1. Letter One

_**Dear Order**_

**_Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Giant Flaming Turkey_**

_By SilverWolf7007_

**_Letter One – "Charlie, send many dragons."_**

The summer holidays had begun three days ago, and several key members of the Order of the Phoenix were about to sit down to dinner.

However, there was a definite anticipatory atmosphere in the house, which was making people snappish.

As such, the five students staying in the house for the holidays were hiding in an upstairs room for as long as possible, along with the twins.

Bill and Charlie were downstairs in the lounge, playing a violent game of chess. Tonks and Kingsley were watching from a safe distance so as not to be hit with flying shrapnel.

Molly was in the kitchen, along with Minerva. No one else was brave enough to even step too close to the doorway when the both of them were in there.

Arthur and Moody were attempting to set up the dining room for imminent use, as there were too many people to fit in the kitchen.

Albus was sitting in the lounge, across the room from Charlie and Bill's small-scale massacre, trying to read a book. He was having rather a lot of trouble with this, as the text kept changing from _'Transfiguration Through the Ages'_ to _'172 Alternatives to Sherbet Lemons and Tea'_ and back again.

By the fire, Severus and Remus were sitting in armchairs and apparently having a serious card game in between hexing Albus's book and Remus glancing at the windows.

It was assumed that the two men were playing poker, as they were using Muggle cards and seemed incredibly focussed on winning. It wasn't until Remus's rather triumphant hiss of 'Go fish' that anyone realised what they were really playing and the collective respect the others had for them went down a tad.

Finally, Arthur poked his head through the door and told them the dining room was ready. Everyone abandoned their activities and headed in to sit down. Charlie went upstairs to find the kids and returned with them not long after, looking a little scarred.

Molly and Minerva brought out the meal, and everyone began to eat.

Ten minutes later, all food was abandoned as Hedwig flew through the window, all eyes glued to her.

She circled the room for a moment, searching, and then landed on Charlie's shoulder.

He turned and looked at her. "You want me to open it?"

Pointedly she stuck out her leg. Charlie shrugged, took the note and unfolded it. He snorted.

"Read it _aloud_," Bill prompted.

Charlie's lips twitched. "All right.

'_Dear Order,_

_Am still alive, as you may surmise from this note._

_Of course, I could be dead and someone is faking the letter to fool you. Quick, you'd better come and check. Charlie, send many dragons. _

_Also say hi to 'Mione, Gin, Luna, Nev and Ron for me. And everyone else except Dumbledore. _

_Love Harry.'_"

He noticed he was receiving some sceptical looks. "I'm not kidding, you can read it yourselves."

The note was passed around the table, everyone finding some amusement from it – even Albus.

Charlie went back to his dinner, as did everyone else, one and all wondering what Harry would write in three days time.

* * *

_Once upon a time, a silly author had a silly idea. That idea is the letter in chapter three. It amused her. Now that silly author has committed herself…to a twenty-one chapter fanfiction. Sigh. Silly, silly author. As if she doesn't have enough unfinished fics on her plate…_

_Ah well. I've been going okay with this one, the first four are done and five is in the works. Plus they're all pretty much stand-alone chapters, so no evil cliffies. _

_So yes, I hope you enjoyed, please review and tell me your opinions. Love to you all!_

_S. Wolf_


	2. Letter Two

_**Dear Order**_

**_Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Badly Singed Flamingo_**

_By SilverWolf7007_

**_Letter Two – "I don't care how you do it, just _do_ it."_**

Three days had passed since Harry's first letter, and again there were eighteen people wandering about Headquarters.

In fact, aside from Molly, Hermione, Minerva and Ginny, who were in the kitchen cooking, everyone was in the lounge room this time. Mostly, they were chatting.

Albus had given up on reading two days ago, when someone (he suspected Severus) had turned his book on cacti into a book on the mating habits of werewolves.

Remus and Severus were again locked into a vicious battle, this time playing Exploding Snap.

Luna had convinced Fred to use a spell to lengthen George's hair, and she was now happily putting it into many tiny plaits. George was allowing her to do this, as she had also convinced him to grow Fred's fingernails a centimetre longer and had given him a manicure the day before.

For some reason, neither twin had bothered to protest too much – although this may have had something to do with the promise they had extracted from Luna to do the same to Bill, Charlie and Ron once she was done with them.

Minerva stepped out of the kitchen, the girls on her heels. Ginny immediately joined Luna, causing George to sigh loudly.

Molly wasn't far behind them, leaving the roast to, well, roast.

Naturally enough, it was about then that there was a tapping on the window (that Bill had been told to leave open and then promptly forgot about). Neville jumped up and let Hedwig inside.

She headed straight for Moody, who sighed and took the letter as Ron gave Hedwig a few owl treats.

The ex-Auror chuckled at the note, and needed no prompting to read it aloud.

"'_Dear Order,_

_Have lost my mind due to boredom. Mad-Eye, please come help me find it._

_Love Harry.'_"

There was amusement shared around the table, along with sympathy for Harry and several pleas to be allowed to write to him, which Albus refused.

Moody, however, was still looking at Harry's letter. There was more written underneath, which he hadn't read aloud. It was meant for his eyes…well, his _eye_ only.

'_Mad-Eye,_

_I've written this in invisible ink, which I'm sure you can see with that eye of yours. Please don't tell anyone I wrote this – at least, not just yet._

_Have Remus sniff the paper. I don't care how you do it, just _do_ it._

_Ta!'_

He sighed resignedly and made a show of sniffing the paper suspiciously. He thought he caught a hint of something, frowned in confusion, and held the letter out to Remus. "Here Lupin, you try. I think there's something on it."

Worried, Remus took the note and held it to his nose. He sniffed.

He sniffed again.

He sniffed a few more times, and then he froze. Slowly, he put the letter on the table and backed away.

Then he sneezed. Several times.

Moody felt mildly guilty for causing this, but mostly amused.

Remus managed to get his nose under his control and gave Moody a watery glare. "You bastards. You and him. Little tosser. He told you to do it, didn't he?"

His only answer was a smirk.

Hermione looked at her ex-professor curiously. "What was on it, Remus?"

He glowered at the innocuous-seeming little note on the table. "_Lavender_," he hissed viciously.

For some reason, this just made everyone laugh. He sneezed. They laughed harder.

Remus pouted.

* * *

_What can I say; I was so thrilled at the response to the previous chapter that I just had to get the next one out. Or I'm just impatient. Or bored. Don't expect all the updates to come this fast, though!  
_

_But again, guys, thanks. Reviews make me happy. _

_Love to you all!_

_S. Wolf_


	3. Letter Three

_**Dear Order**_

_**Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Carefully Crisped Canary**_

_By SilverWolf7007_

_**Letter Three – "I'd like you to do me a favour, Professor Snape, if that's at all possible."**_

The third letter caught everyone off guard, simply because it arrived much earlier than the previous ones.

It was, in fact, well before lunch, and the weather was wonderful.

The nice day allowed everyone who wanted to be to be in the backyard, which was apparently just as safe as the house. In fact, everyone was out there somewhere, except for Severus, who was inside brewing a potion, and the twins, who were probably doing something along the same lines that was much more explosive.

Outside, Ron and Charlie were playing off against Ginny and Bill, while Luna and Hermione watched from the ground (well they were actually reading, but they glanced up _occasionally_ to make sure no one had fallen off).

Remus, sitting under a tree, had something that he was keeping from the eyes of everyone else, his wand out, and was (as he put it) 'tinkering'. It was a general theory that he was sulking because Severus had refused to play cards with him outside.

Molly, Arthur, Kingsley, Tonks, Minerva, Moody and Albus were sitting around an enlarged picnic table, discussing Voldemort, the war, and politics. This really just means that they were gossiping, of course.

It wasn't long before Fred and George wandered outside, their hair and freckles an eye-wateringly bright shade of blue. No one bothered asking how it had happened, as this wasn't the first time the twins had emerged from their room displaying evidence of their experiments. Molly just sighed at them.

Severus, surprisingly, wasn't far behind them. He immediately gained everyone's undivided attention, as not only was he always reluctant to surface from the house, but he had Hedwig perched on his shoulder and a highly amused smirk on his face.

Even Ron, Charlie, Ginny and Bill stopped flying and joined everyone else near the picnic table to hear the latest missive from Harry.

Remus pocketed whatever he had been tinkering with and quickly walked over, attempting to steal the letter from the Potions Master's hands. Severus easily avoided him.

"Well?" Moody growled after several silent minutes. "We don't have all day, Snape."

Severus's lips twitched slightly. "If I recall, Moody, you actually _do_."

He earned himself a withering glare in reply.

Ignoring this, he turned to the Headmaster. "Albus. I have a message for you."

"Oh?"

"Yes. Potter wishes for me to inform you that you suck."

Hermione sighed. The twins snorted. Luna and Ginny giggled. Remus snickered. The other three Weasley boys hit the ground in hysterical laughter.

Albus looked somewhat put out.

Severus silently handed the letter to the still-snickering werewolf before retreating back into the house and his potions lab.

Remus looked down at the note in his hands.

'_Dear Order,_

_Still alive, see?_

_I'd like you to do me a favour, Professor Snape, if that's at all possible. I need you to convey a message to the Headmaster for me._

_Tell him he sucks._

_Love Harry'_

* * *

_Well, that was the thing that started it all. Just the whole 'Professor Snape, please tell the Headmaster that he sucks' thing. Yeah. Nothing special. Oh well. Heh._

_Big hiya and thanks to the reviewers who weren't signed in. I'd like to reply to you all individually, but sometimes that makes bad things happen. As for those who _did_ sign in, I don't think I missed replying to anyone, but feel free to poke me if I did. _

_I'm amazed that this fic has so many reviews. Much love to you all._

_S. Wolf_


	4. Letter Four

_Hi! I know I don't usually put author's notes up here these days, but I thought I'd give a bit of warning. This chapter contains some mention of slash. It's light; it shouldn't scar anyone, but feel free to skip this chapter if you'd prefer not to read it. Come back next chapter, though!_

* * *

_**Dear Order**_

**_Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Ugly Duckling_**

_By SilverWolf7007_

_**Letter Four – "Would anyone mind terribly if I joined Voldemort?"**_

The usual group occupying the Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix were currently in a highly unusual situation.

They were on the roof.

All eighteen of them.

None of them were entirely certain as to how they had gotten there, although Molly suspected the twins on principle.

Albus, on the other hand, was fairly certain that Severus and Remus had been experimenting with spells again, and had thusly caused this strange, sudden displacement.

No one else ascribed to this theory due to the rather compromising position the two men had been in when they had arrived on the roof.

It had been rather amusing, actually. Ron had screamed, while Neville, Arthur and everyone of the female persuasion (barring Luna) had blushed violently. Moody, Kingsley and the older Weasley boys had all just burst out laughing.

Albus had just blinked at the two naked, wet men in shock. Now _there_ was something he hadn't expected!

Luna just smirked. A little smugly, in fact, but no one noticed this.

Remus had shrieked slightly and attempted to hide himself behind Severus, which caused the other man to glare rather fiercely at him through his dripping hair. Both of them were blushing.

All over.

Minerva had been the first to recover her wits (besides Luna, who was too busy being smug and enjoying the view to bother helping) and had quickly conjured them each a robe, which the two men donned immediately.

Once everyone had gotten over the fact that the werewolf and the potions master had appeared on the roof dripping wet and snogging heavily, or was at least pretending to be over it (or was suppressing their recent memories), talk quickly turned to the other thing that had just happened.

Namely, their sudden appearance on the roof.

It wasn't as though anyone had actually moved from where they had been. Oh no, it had been a spontaneous appearing act, in which everyone in the house had been magically transported from their previous activities and directly dumped on the top of the house.

Supposedly, not a single one of them had any idea of how they had arrived there.

Of course, no one even bothered to ask Luna, who was gazing dreamily off into the distance. If they had, they would have probably received a smug smirk and an admission of culpability.

But they didn't.

So Luna kept silent, her eyes on the distant speck in the sky that was gradually growing into a snowy owl.

Eventually, the immature bickering that might have been mistaken as calm, collected discussion (at least by those involved) began to dwindle off as the others on the roof gradually noticed Hedwig heading their way.

By the time she arrived at the roof, there was nothing but silence as everyone waited to see whose shoulder she would perch on.

Hedwig, for once, didn't seem to have a particular destination. She circled them a few times in consideration before landing on the top of Kingsley's bald head, it being the highest perch there.

Kingsley winced and coaxed the owl down onto his shoulder, making a mental note to have a _discussion_ with Harry concerning his evil-minded familiar. He ignored the blood trickling down his neck from Hedwig's landing and removed the letter.

He read it. He blinked a few times. He read it again. He snorted.

"What, what, what?" Tonks demanded, bouncing on the balls of her feet in curiosity.

Kingsley cleared his throat and read the letter aloud.

"'_Dear Order,_

_Am hoping that you're all in good health, and that Professor Snape delivered my message to the Headmaster.'"_

Kingsley paused as several members of his audience snickered.

"'_I've been thinking. Would anyone mind terribly if I joined Voldemort? I get the feeling that he doesn't randomly leave people stuck in a house with the Dursleys for the entire summer with no contact with sentient human beings._

_I'm sure he and I can work through our issues, and his little killing people thing._

_Love Harry'"_

Everyone stared at him.

"You don't think he's…_serious_, do you?" Charlie asked with a worried frown.

Neville snorted. "Of course he isn't. At least, he isn't _yet_."

"In that case," Severus began, tone irritated. "Can we work on getting _off the roof_? I still have shampoo in my hair."

* * *

_Heh. Letter Five is written, and will be posted fairly soon. Then I have to work on Letter Six…oh dear…_

_Hope you had fun._

_S. Wolf_


	5. Letter Five

_**Dear Order**_

**_Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Parched Pigeon_**

_By SilverWolf7007_

_**Letter Five – "Try to follow Dumbles around, when and where possible."**_

Nymphadora Tonks was never one to pass up a challenge, and what was contained in the letter that had been delivered to her earlier that morning was definitely a big one.

Of course, she usually had some kind of understanding as to why she was doing… whatever it was that the challenge required of her.

Then again, when one took into account who had set this challenge, one would realise that there was a reason for its obscurity.

The reason was that Harry, despite being a lovable kid, was utterly insane.

But even though she knew that, Tonks just couldn't resist. After all, Harry was known for causing mayhem wherever he went, and while she may not understand why he wanted her to do what she was planning to do; she knew it would undoubtedly unsettle the Headmaster in some way.

No one at Headquarters could pass up the opportunity to annoy the old man any more. His continued insistence that they couldn't contact Harry, coupled with him constantly offering tea and lemon drops (and occasionally lemon tea or tea drops, when Remus or Severus got bored) had him getting on even Arthur's normally unshakable nerves.

These were the thoughts that led Tonks to her current situation.

Well, those thoughts, and the letter, of course. But that wasn't the point.

The point was, Nymphadora Tonks was now standing in front of a mirror, making sure she had everything right. Well, as right as she could get it with Harry's vague instructions.

'"_Like me but much paler, with tidier hair and red eyes." Damn, Har, did you have to be so difficult about this?'_

Finally, she felt satisfied with her new appearance, and decided to go find the Headmaster to test it out.

On her way to the lounge room, where she knew the man was currently playing chess against Ron, she reread the letter that Hedwig had dropped on her face at about five that morning.

'_Dear Tonks,_

_Will send my official 'Dear Order' letter in a few hours time, so send Hedwig back immediately._

_I have a challenge for you._

_Please spend the day looking like me but much paler, with tidier hair and red eyes. Try to follow Dumbles around, when and where possible._

_Ta!_

_Love Harry'_

Tonks sighed and shook her head, not for the first time since receiving the letter. She just hoped that this would be worth it.

* * *

Albus Dumbledore felt that he was rather good at chess, on the whole. This is why he was feeling somewhat inadequate. Ronald Weasley was defeating him quite soundly.

He found himself wishing, desperately, for something to interrupt the game. He didn't think he would ever live down being beaten by a sixteen year old boy.

Albus later wished that he had just gracefully accepted this defeat, as it seemed as though his very thoughts had summoned such a disruption.

Ginny gave a startled shriek, gaining the attention of everyone else. She pointed to the doorway, where for a moment several people thought Harry was standing.

The boy in question stepped further into the room, eyes locked on the Headmaster. Albus's own eyes widened in horror as he realised exactly who this boy seemed to be. "Tom," he breathed.

Everyone else began staring in horror, Minerva and Moody even drew their wands.

Severus just raised an eyebrow at Remus, who was snickering somewhat uncontrollably on the couch. All eyes turned to him as he fell to the ground with a thud. For some reason he seemed to find this hilarious, his snickers turning to full blown laughter.

An annoyed sounding tap on the window was answered by Fred, and Hedwig quickly perched herself on Ginny's shoulder. The girl in question, recovered from her earlier shock, took the offered letter, read it, read it again and then giggled for a moment before reading it aloud.

"'_Dear Order,_

_I hope you're all enjoying Tommy's visit. You may be wondering where Tonks is. She's, uh, on holiday, for the day. Yeah._

_Gin, sorry if Tommy startled you. Just so you all know, he'll be following the Headmaster around today._

_Thanks 'Tommy'!  
_

_Love Harry.'"_

Albus Dumbledore finally began to wonder at the wisdom of leaving Harry Potter to his own devices all summer.

* * *

_Yes, Albus, wonder. And when you realise what a monumentally stupid idea it was, smack yourself around the head. Because that would be _funny

_Still haven't gotten around to working on Letter Six, because I'm lazy. On the other hand, I have the actual letters written for chapters six through to twelve. Now I just need to add the chaptery parts._

_Don't worry, I'll get there. Hopefully you'll all stick with me._

_S. Wolf_


	6. Letter Six

_**Dear Order**_

**_Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Demented Dove_**

_By SilverWolf7007_

_**Letter Six - "Please come to my funeral."**_

When Tonks had decided to continue wandering around Headquarters looking like Tom Riddle, Ginny had decided to pull out the camera that Colin had bought her for Christmas. She knew that Harry would appreciate seeing some of the scenes taking place, especially when Tonks grew tired of being male from the waist up and morphed her body back to normal while keeping her head as 'Tommy's'.

Even before that there had been some good shots of 'Tom Riddle' conversing quite amicably with the Headmaster, and one rather disturbing image of 'him' making out with Fred. Or George. They'd both kissed 'him', but Ginny wasn't quite sure which one she'd photographed.

At one point Ginny had even convinced Tonks to put on her bikini and pose for a shot. She was considering sending a copy to Voldemort.

Three days after it all began, dinner in Order Headquarters had been an incredibly quiet event, because everyone was expecting Harry's letter to arrive.

However, dinner had passed, it was after nine and eighteen individuals were beginning to worry.

"If it doesn't arrive, Mad-Eye and I can check on him in the morning," Kingsley stated. Dumbledore just nodded with a sigh.

Ron rolled his eyes. "Yes, and if his letter gets here at midnight and wakes me up, then I'm going to kick his arse in the morning."

Hermione smacked him around the head, earning her a thankful smile from Molly, who couldn't have reached him. "Language, Ronald," she called across the room.

Fred gasped in mock outrage. "Who do you think you are, his mother?"

Molly glowered at him.

Everyone fell silent when a tapping was heard from the window. Neville let Hedwig inside, and she immediately flew over to Hermione's shoulder.

Hermione opened the letter, read it over, twitched slightly, rolled her eyes and then sighed. "Harry's finally lost his sanity."

Charlie looked genuinely surprised. "Harry had sanity?"

George snorted. "Of course not. What's the letter say, 'Mione?"

She handed it to him silently, and he read it aloud with a slightly dramatic flair.

"'_Dear Order,_

_Have died a tragic, terrible, messy death due to spontaneous self- combustion. Am writing this letter as a ghost. With my teeth. Quills taste funny. I would not recommend them as a snack. _

_Please come to my funeral. Headmaster, you're not invited. Someone make sure that Voldie gets an invite, though. _

_Am going to stop writing this letter now, because my jaw is aching, despite the fact that I'm a ghost. Hermione, don't poke logic-shaped holes in my reasoning._

_Love Harry'_."

"Albus, perhaps we should consider getting the boy some professional help," Minerva suggested, lips twitching. "I'm not sure a raving lunatic will be able to best Voldemort."

Severus snorted. "Voldemort himself is a raving lunatic; I don't see how Potter being one as well will in any way affect the outcome of the duel."

"Well, it might give Harry an advantage," Tonks said with a shrug. Albus twitched, as he had been prone to doing whenever Tonks spoke up unexpectedly – she was still using a male voice that sounded scarily similar to a young Tom Riddle. "Assuming Voldie believes Harry to be sane."

"Harry is as perfectly sane as I am," Luna declared dreamily, adjusting the hood of the glittery blue Death Eater cloak she was wearing.

Remus raised an eyebrow at her. "Luna, dear girl, you've raided Severus's closet, stolen one of his Death Eater robes, and convinced someone to turn it blue and cover it in glitter. No sane person would ever wear one of those robes voluntarily, they're awfully scratchy."

Luna pouted. "You think so little of me? I asked Miss Tommy to charm it to be more comfortable."

"Very sensible," Fred said sagely.

"I think our dear little Harry is just infinitely bored," George explained. "And a little crazy, yes. Perhaps we should do something to entertain him?"

"I'm afraid, Mr Weasley," Fred began in a grave voice, cutting off the Headmaster who had also begun with those very same words. "That we simply cannot risk it."

Dumbledore sat back in his chair and unwrapped a sherbet lemon with a faint, sulky frown.

George collapsed on the ground with a heartbroken wail of anguish.

* * *

_Ahem. This chapter was written with the help of few sherbet lemons. I may not be especially fond of Dumbles, but I cannot fault his choice in sweets. And they _are_ awfully addictive. Thanks to anyone who suggested anything to do with photos. And thanks to the anonymous reviewers who I can't reply to. _

_Thanks for reading!  
_

_S. Wolf_


	7. Letter Seven

_**Dear Order**_

**_Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Burnt Bird_**

_By SilverWolf7007_

_**Letter Seven – "Why did Dudley bring me back to life?"**_

It was five in the morning on the seventeenth of July, and despite the early hour, all eighteen occupants of Number Twelve Grimmauld Place were in the kitchen.

In fact, aside from Luna and the twins, they were all standing on the kitchen table.

Most of them were contemplating the day's mystery. Exactly how _had_ the entirety of Headquarters ended up flooded?

Hermione was glaring at the Headmaster as if the lack of logic were his fault. "Sir, how can this happen? Every room in the house, no matter which floor – not to mention the roof! They all have a covering of at least two feet of water on the ground! It doesn't make any sense!"

Dumbledore shifted slightly, trying to inch away from Hermione and _not_ knock Minerva from the table into the water. "I'm afraid that I have no answer for you, Miss Granger."

Water suddenly splashed up and showered down onto the occupants of the table, reminding them all of what had woken them so early. They all turned to glower at the culprits.

Luna, Fred and George had decided that the new floor covering would be best put to use as a makeshift swimming pool, and had even swum down the stairs, which were also covered in water.

"You know the part that disturbs me the most?" Kingsley sighed as he turned his gaze from the three and down into the water. "The goldfish."

Fred grinned up at him, grabbed one of the fish and waved it in a vaguely threatening manner. The fish immediately began to struggle, and George smacked his brother's head, causing Fred to drop it.

"Very mature, boys," Bill said dryly.

"At least they aren't trying to –" Charlie cut himself off as George started trying to shove one of the poor goldfish down the back of Fred's t-shirt. "Never mind."

Molly opened her mouth to scold her sons for their animal cruelty, but didn't bother as she noticed that Luna was opening the window for Hedwig.

Hedwig quickly flew over to George and dropped the letter from Harry on his head. She then dove downwards, caught a goldfish in her talons and flew back out the window with a self-satisfied hoot.

Everyone stared after her until Ginny remembered that there was a letter to be read, and so threw a fork at George to remind _him_ of that little fact.

George opened the slightly damp envelope, shook the letter open and read it with even more dramatic flair than he had used three days before.

"'_Dear Order,_

_I have now become a malformed skunk. Yes, skunk. Because someone forgot to tell Dudley Dursley that he is not a necromancer._

_I am slightly confused. Why did Dudley bring me back to life? _

_Never mind._

_Love Harry_

_PS. I could really use a glass of water. Got any to spare?'_"

Ignoring the fact that Harry was evidently becoming more and more insane by the second, Remus decided to address what he felt was the most pressing matter in the letter. "Harry had something to do with this, I just _know_ it!"

Severus turned and raised an eyebrow at the man over the heads of Neville and Hermione. "You are sounding disturbingly like me this morning, Remus."

Remus shrugged. "I'm right though, and I know you agree with me. Somehow, Harry caused this."

"It _could_ just be a coincidence," Tonks offered doubtfully. No one missed Dumbledore's small sigh of relief that the woman had given up all traces of Tom Riddle the day before. "Maybe he was just really thirsty?"

Moody snorted. "You believe that about as much as I do, girl, and we all know that I'm the suspicious type."

"Really?" Luna asked, wide-eyed. Her affected innocence was ruined slightly by the fact that she was corralling goldfish between her hands and herding them in circles. Moody just glared at her.

Minerva sighed and gave up on her dignity and being relatively dry, stepping down into the water to join the three teenagers. "Whether Harry is to blame for this or not, there really isn't much we can do to him currently. I suggest we focus on attempting to drain the building."

"And then once we've achieved that," Arthur added. "We can see about disabusing Harry of this notion that he's a zombie-skunk."

* * *

_Oh dear lord, it's a Dear Order chapter! Do try not to die from the shock of it all. _

_It has come to my attention that an insanely large amount of people are reading and reviewing this fic. I love you all. I can't reply to all the reviews any more, but I still love you all. And I'll _try_ to reply to as many of you as I can (after I've posted the chapter this time, or it'll never get out). Now, repeat after me- 'Wolfie loves me and thanks me for my reviews'._

_Ahem. Yes. Anyway._

_Thanks for reading, as always, and please review. Reviews make the author happy, although they can't cure her unfortunate tendency to type in the third person._

_S. Wolf_


	8. Letter Eight

_**Dear Order**_

_**Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Distinctly Dead Dodo**_

_By SilverWolf7007_

_**Letter Eight – "Feel the melodrama, people!"**_

It had taken three days to drain the House of Black, dry everything off and discover what had happened to the goldfish (Luna and Neville had bribed Kingsley into conjuring several large fish tanks to house their new pets. Both had then vanished from the cleaning attempts as they were too busy trying to name their fish).

And yet, despite all the work that had gone into righting the situation, no one had yet managed to discover how it had happened. The majority of the inhabitants of the house were of the firm opinion that Harry was somehow to blame, and Luna, Fred, George and Tonks, as the ones believed most likely to be conspiring with him, were all questioned thoroughly.

For once, all four were entirely innocent (of that particular prank, at least) and the questioning was widened to everyone under fifty, not including Severus. After all, everyone knew that there was no way Severus would be helping Harry with _anything_, let alone pranks. Also, he was the one doing most of the questioning.

Still, no culprits were found. Eventually Dumbledore even questioned Minerva, Arthur, Molly and Moody (and Moody questioned him). After that, even Severus was interrogated thoroughly.

By the time those three days had passed, everyone had pretty much given up on finding out how Harry had pranked them, or at the very least, _known_ about the prank.

But because everyone had been so preoccupied, there had been no time to attempt to speak to Harry about his apparent skunkdom.

The morning that they were awaiting Harry's next letter at the breakfast table, Luna and Neville were the last to join them.

Charlie, who was a closet romantic and also somewhat of a conspiracy theorist, gave them a sly grin. "So, where have _you_ been?"

Neville blushed at the implication, but rolled his eyes as he sat down. "Not wherever you think I've been."

"We've been in the fish room," Luna said, voice deadpan. "The difficult task that we have undertaken is almost complete."

Ron raised an eyebrow at Neville. "Difficult task?"

The other boy snorted. "I'd like to see _you_ name seventy-nine fish."

Everyone stared.

"Surely you can't tell them apart?" Tonks asked incredulously. No one really heard the question Remus asked at the same time, which had been "didn't you start with eighty?"

"Of course we can," Luna refuted. Her voice still held no inflection, and it was gaining her odd looks from a few of the others. "Of course, the task of naming them became a little less tiresome when Sushi ate Squishy the First. The name Squishy became available again, you see. Therefore we bestowed the name upon Squishy the Second."

Thankfully, everyone was saved from commenting upon this when Hedwig flew through the window, and Remus found himself silently thanking Harry as he relieved Hedwig of the letter. She remained perched on his shoulder for a few moments until he realised _why_ she was still there and gave her some bacon.

Hedwig then soared back out the window while Remus read the letter. He blinked several times, shook his head rather violently, and tried again. No, it had not been a figment of his imagination. He sighed and reread it aloud to the astonished ears of his housemates.

"'_Dear Order,_

_Have decided to stop making such a fuss about being an ex-ghost malformed skunk. I get the feeling that perhaps you don't all believe me to be telling the truth._

_Instead, I shall angst. Feel the melodrama, people!_

_Oh woe is me! Oh woe is me! I used to have a Hamster Tree! But it was eaten by a newt, and now I have no cuddly fruit! Oh woe is me! Oh woe is me! I used to have a Hamster Tree!_

_Insert more angst and melodrama here. I am far too busy with my Potions essay to be emo any longer._

_Love Harry'_"

"Potions essay?" Severus said weakly. "He's actually doing his _potions essay_?"

Luna snatched the letter from Remus and read the 'Hamster Tree' paragraph out again, singing it to the tune of 'O Christmas Tree'. She still managed to keep her voice expressionless, though.

"Well, at least he's over the zombie skunk thing," Tonks said in a falsely bright voice. "That's a good thing, right?"

"Is it just me, or is he getting more insane with each letter?" Ginny mused.

"It's just you," Luna said flatly.

"Ignore Luna," Hermione sighed. "He's getting even more insane, somehow."

"Evidently so," Severus murmured. The man had been visibly shaken by what he thought was irrefutable proof that Harry needed to be removed from the Dursleys immediately. "This is _Harry Potter_ we're talking about! He shouldn't be doing his _potions essay_! It violates the natural order of things!"

"There, there, Professor," Luna comforted, voice still blank. "If it makes you feel better, Neville and I will name one of the fish after you. Perhaps one of the Siamese fighting fish."

In no way did this make Severus feel better, and so he left the table for his potions lab and some therapeutic brewing.

* * *

_And now Wolfie endeavors to shock her readers with an unusually quick update. Blame. The. Fish. Or thank them, if you are so inclined. In fact, ignore the fish in the chapter and blame _my_ fish. He is new, and unnamed. It would be easier to name eighty fish. Seriously, my friend and I had a list of about eighty names by the end of a two hour lecture. I still haven't picked one, but I'm close._

_Hm. I seem to have forgotten that I was using the third person. Oh well._

_Thank you, so very much, for all the reviews. I send you all much love for them. _

_S. Wolf_

_PS. As I should have mentioned when I updated, rather than when I just realised I hadn't mentioned it after the chapter had been up for a bit (thankfully not long) the Hamster Tree song is not mine. I shamelessly stole it from Clive Barker's book Abarat. _


	9. Letter Nine

_**Dear Order**_

_**Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Mechanical Magpie**_

_By SilverWolf7007_

_**Letter Nine – "I think you get the idea."**_

Minerva McGonagall woke up at nine am on the twenty-third of July and immediately felt that she was going to have an unusually irritating day.

It took her a few minutes to work out what could have caused this feeling, and then after realising that Harry's letter was due, she acknowledged the more immediate annoyance.

There was a twin in her room.

After several moments of covert observation, as the twin in question hadn't yet realised that she was awake, she concluded that it was Fred. She also concluded that whatever he was up to, it needed to be stopped immediately.

"_Fred Weasley_!" she snapped, causing Fred to give a rather girlish scream, leap backwards and fall over a chair, landing with his head stuck under her bed.

Minerva sighed and peered down at the visible part of the teen. "What on _earth _are you doing?"

"I promise you, Professor," he assured her in a muffled voice. "This isn't what it looks like. Er, unless you thought that it looked as though I was sneaking around your room in order to find classified information such as the general location and placement of the furniture in here, in which case it _is_ what it looks like. Um. Is it safe to take my head out?"

"Why would it not be?"

"Well…are you going to turn it into a pumpkin?"

"I highly doubt it."

"Are you going to perform any other kinds of disfiguring transfiguration?"

"I shall resist the urge."

"Thank you. I think." Fred extricated his head and stood quickly. "I'll just get out of your hair then, Professor…"

"You do that," she sighed. Then she frowned. "Wait."

Fred froze with one foot halfway out the door. "Meep?"

"_Why_ were you investigating my furniture, Weasley?" she demanded.

He cleared his throat and looked sheepish. "Well, we were sort of planning a prank, George and me, but now I guess there's no point…sorry…"

Minerva sighed again. "I see. All right, get out. I wish to get dressed. Your punishment will be decided later."

Fred blanched and nodded somewhat frantically. "Yes, yes, of course, leaving now." He turned to continue out the door but paused. "Also, Professor, I'd just like to say that I'm very impressed with how intimidating you can be when you're in your bed wearing a green tartan nightgown."

"_Out_, _Weasley_!"

"I'm gone!"

* * *

Harry's letter arrived at the end of breakfast, somewhere between the beginning of the fight between Ron and George over the last pancake and the announcement from Luna that the final fish had, after much deliberation, been named Strawberry Cupcake Kitty-Cat. 

Minerva, much like everyone else at the table (barring Ron and George), forgot the letter momentarily in order to stare at the unrepentant Luna and the somewhat embarrassed Neville.

She was soon reminded of the letter's presence by the arguing Weasley boys suddenly falling silent. She turned her eyes to them as she picked the envelope up off the table and realised that Hedwig had taken it upon herself to settle their dilemma and was currently tearing the pancake up into more manageable shreds before eating them.

Shaking her head, Minerva opened the letter.

_Dear Order,  
__  
I have a question for you regarding the end of summer and my return to Hogwarts._

_Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?_

_I think you get the idea._

_Are we there yet?_

_Love Harry_

_PS. Are we there yet?_

Minerva's eye began to twitch and she handed the letter over to Severus in silence. It was slowly passed around the table, evoking the occasional snort of laughter or eye-roll.

Eventually, Dumbledore read the letter and, as the last person to do so, merely set it down before turning to the others with a mild frown. "Do you think that perhaps Harry is somewhat bored?"

There was a loud thud as at least five people slammed their heads onto the table.

* * *

_If this chapter seems to suck, or not make sense, or something, then blame the fact that it was written at four in the morning. On the other hand, yay, update! Hopefully it was at least somewhat enjoyable._

_There was something I was going to say, but I don't remember anymore. Oh yes, now I do. I just thought I should apologize for the rather long wait between chapters. I'll try not to do that again..._

_Um, Kitty, please get your paws off the screen. And don't press that key! Silly Kitty..._

_Thank you, everyone, for reviewing. _

_Much love,_

_Wolfie_


	10. Letter Ten

_**Dear Order**_

_**Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Memory-Challenged Chicken**_

_By SilverWolf7007_

_**Letter Ten – "Feel free to lord it over Hermione all you want."**_

The fact that they hadn't anticipated it in the least was ridiculous. They _should_ have, really, because they all knew that Harry had a bizarre and perverse sense of humour, and that he sometimes took a bad joke too far.

It was very early on what promised to be a very beautiful Friday morning, and many occupants of Grimmauld Place were waking up earlier than usual because the house seemed too hot.

"There is sand in my pants," Ginny muttered, still half asleep. Hermione and Luna opened their eyes for the first time that day to stare at her. Well, Hermione did.

"Mine too," was Luna's response as she leaned over the side of her bed. Hermione shifted her attention from Ginny to the blonde, wondering what she was doing.

After several minutes, Ginny got out of her bed and headed into the adjoining bathroom, returning moments later with a glass of water that she emptied over Luna's rather sad-looking sandcastle. "It'll never work without water, Luna."

"Oh, why thank you, Ginny. I appreciate your assistance."

Hermione just continued to stare from her bed as the two younger girls, Luna still leaning down and Ginny kneeling on the floor, began constructing a small fortress.

* * *

Minerva, Molly, Arthur and Albus were seated silently at the kitchen table drinking tea and doing their absolute best to ignore the desert that the house had transformed into.

Eventually, Molly broke the silence. "Well, at least the house isn't filled with fish, or any other creatures."

"As far as we've been able to determine as of yet, at least," Minerva said darkly.

Arthur opened his mouth to speak, but never got the chance, as Severus stormed into the kitchen looking utterly homicidal, a worried Remus on his heels.

"What has happened?" Albus inquired. He and the others watched curiously as Severus began brewing coffee.

Severus just growled in response and started searching through the drawers for something.

Albus, Minerva, Molly and Arthur turned as one to Remus, who was hovering halfway between the doorway and Severus and seemingly torn between amusement and horror.

"Remus?" Molly prompted after several moments.

Remus cleared his throat and gave them an awkward, tense smile. "I'm afraid that Severus had an…unpleasant…surprise when he awoke this morning."

"Go on," Arthur encouraged.

He opened his mouth to do just that, but it snapped shut again when Severus pulled a _very_ large knife out of the bottom drawer and began moving towards him with a triumphant smirk.

Molly let out a startled shriek, worried that Severus was about to attempt murder.

Remus just sighed and stood his ground. "No, Severus."

The potions master stopped moving, but continued to hold the knife out in front of him. "Remus…"

"I can understand your displeasure, Severus, but I _do_ think that your current actions are a _tad_ too extreme."

Severus seemed about to begin a long rant regarding exactly why he was _not_ acting extremely and that his actions were _completely _justified, but Kingsley, Charlie and Bill walked into the kitchen at that point, all looking utterly confused.

"Severus," Kingsley began, apparently not even noticing the overly large knife being wielded by the man. "Do you happen to know _why_ there's a camel in your room?"

"Because I'm having camel fillets for breakfast," Severus replied flatly, lifting his knife meaningfully. "Now if you'd all get out of my way, _Remus_, I would like to get on with preparing my meal."

"I…see…" Bill murmured. "Actually, that's a lie, I don't see."

Remus rolled his eyes, stepped forwards and stole the knife from Severus, tossing it carelessly to the other side of the kitchen, where it embedded itself in the wall.

Everyone stared at it.

"Severus, _sit down_."

Not being entirely stupid, despite his immense rage, Severus did so, attempting to conceal a wince.

"What happened to you?" Charlie asked, perhaps unwisely.

Severus twitched.

"The camel bit him," Remus explained shortly. "Now he's cranky."

* * *

Ron woke up in the living room, noticed that it seemed to resemble a desert, saw Tonks, Fred, George, Neville and Moody all asleep at various points around the room, and wondered what the hell had been slipped into his pumpkin juice last night.

The others awoke slowly, aided by Hermione dragging Ginny and Luna down the stairs and scolding them loudly for, apparently, not checking the sand they were playing with carefully enough.

"How were _we_ supposed to know the stuff was infested with scorpions?" Ginny protested.

Hermione continued her lecture as everyone else joined them from the kitchen and sat down, with the exception of Severus who loomed by the doorway menacingly and glowered up the staircase whenever he thought Remus wasn't paying attention.

Finally, once everyone was as comfortable as they could be with the copious amounts of sand in various obscure places, it seemed as though the semi-regular meeting about 'what the hell happened to the house _this_ time' was ready to start.

However, Hedwig flew through the open window and perched on the back of the chair Luna had claimed, offering up her letter.

Luna took it calmly, dusted off some rather suspicious sand, read it, smiled, and pocketed it.

There was a collective twitch from everyone else.

Severus, never exactly patient at the best of times and currently in a somewhat testy mood, strode over to the blonde and held out a hand pointedly.

Luna smiled up at him. "Can I help you, Professor?"

"Letter. Now."

Deciding not to risk the man's wrath for the moment, Luna handed it over.

Severus read it. Severus then quite calmly handed it to the nearest person who was not Luna, walked over to a wall and slammed his head into it. Remus pulled him away and shoved him onto a couch.

Ron looked at the letter he was now holding, shrugged, and read it aloud to sate everyone else's curiosity.

"'_Dear Order,_

_Are we there yet? Oops, wait, sorry, wrong letter. Been there, done that. Terribly sorry, I'm a tad distracted._

_You see, I now have irrefutable proof that Crumple-Horned Snorkacks do, in fact, exist. There is one perched on my head._

_Luna, I will never doubt you again. Feel free to lord it over Hermione all you want._

_If I ever find my camera, I will take a photo. If not, I will just bring the Snorkack with me to Hogwarts._

_Wow, all this excitement is leaving me a little parched. It's almost like being in a desert. You know the feeling?_

_Are we there ye – damn, that's a surprisingly hard habit to kick!_

_Love Harry_

_PS. For future reference, am still alive.'_"

It was Molly who managed to sum up what everyone was feeling in just two words.

"Oh dear."

* * *

_I had to restart the chapter twice, and rewrote the letter three times, but I got there eventually. Yay me. _

_I need sugar. Or sleep. Or something._

_Yep._

_Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this silly little chapter, and thank you all, so very much, for reviewing. I feel as though that's not quite in order...but it could be the sleep deprivation talking._

_Love to you all,_

_Wolfie_


	11. Letter Eleven

_****_

Dear Order

_**Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Catastrophically Confused Cockatoo**_

_By SilverWolf7007_

_**Letter Eleven – "Ah, pets are such troublesome things."**_

The sand was far more difficult to get rid of than the water had been, and they were still finding scorpions in the strangest of places (including Bill's cereal and Albus's beard).

Nevertheless, the atmosphere at Grimmauld Place on the 29th of July was surprisingly cheerful. After all, though they still had a few traces of the desert left, and though Severus was in a remarkably foul mood, and though it was late afternoon and they had yet to hear from Harry, the day itself had been wonderfully uneventful.

Albus, for reasons that no one else could possibly guess at or explain, had decided to hold a vote on whether or not the 29th had been a good day. The results of this had been confusing, as despite Severus's obvious dissatisfaction with it, the outcome had been unanimous.

After Minerva had counted the vote slips and found one missing there had been a house-wide hunt, as Severus remained adamant that he had handed in his slip voting against the day.

Much later, Ron discovered a much chewed voting slip on his pillow and immediately knew who the culprit had been. However, he chose not to reveal his findings as he realised that Severus would just use it as an excuse.

Severus, of course, knew perfectly well who had been at fault in the misplacement of his vote. Normally this would not especially bother him, as he honestly couldn't care less about one of Albus's crackpot surveys.

However, as Severus had experienced four relatively unpleasant days, and as they had all been unpleasant for the same reason, he vowed to do something about it.

Ron, on the other hand, knew perfectly well that Severus would be out for blood (again), and resolved to thwart him at every turn.

As a result, Grimmauld Place was thrown into a chaos that could not have been more destructive if Harry himself were behind it.

* * *

By nine o'clock that night, the Order and students had been divided into four factions.

The first of these was led by Severus, and had been named (by Fred) the Anti-Elmer Squad.

Severus had not originally intended to involve any others in his vendetta against the camel that Ron had adopted after the desert incident. But Moody had developed an intense dislike of the creature after it had eaten his toast, and had joined Severus the moment he got wind of the younger wizard's plans.

As far as Severus could tell, Fred, Ginny and Tonks had merely taken his side in order to cause mayhem.

The second faction, of course, was the Defenders of the Camel. Ron had taken action in recruiting people to his cause the moment he had found the voting slip. Hermione had, as usual, been more than willing to defend an 'innocent' being from suffering unfairly, and Bill had developed an affinity for camels during his time in Egypt.

Remus, it seemed, merely wanted to annoy Severus, and George had declared upon joining that he and Fred had chosen to take opposing sides 'just for laughs'.

The third faction was a neutral party, and consisted of Albus, Arthur, Minerva and Molly. The four of them had seated themselves in the kitchen and were consuming copious amounts of tea, which had led to Moody snarkily dubbing them the Tea Club on his way through the kitchen (none of them had missed seeing the pepper he had grabbed on his way past the bench).

The fourth faction would have never existed if Luna had chosen to take a side in the Great Camel Debacle. As she did not, she began to feel left out of the action and created he own side, the Religious Squirrels, to generate senseless anarchy.

She recruited Neville and Charlie to her cause, despite their protests and initial attempts to remain neutral. After the third explosion (the second caused by the Religious Squirrels), Kingsley had slipped out of the kitchen, abandoning his half-full cup of tea, and joined them of his own free will.

* * *

By ten o'clock, the Tea Club were astonished that the house was still basically in one piece, and a temporary ceasefire had been agreed upon by Severus and Ron. The two of them had led their weary teams into the kitchen and begun helping themselves to the tea – though both sides were shooting each other constant suspicious looks as they did so.

Luna and her Religious Squirrel group were nowhere to be seen. Charlie had appeared several minutes after the Anti-Elmer Squad and the Defenders of the Camel had sat down, in order to announce, "The Religious Squirrels have taken possession of the top two floors of the house, and we plan to base our future operations from Mad-Eye's bedroom, so he and anyone else on those floors might want to find somewhere else to sleep. Also, Neville wanted me to remind Ron to feed Elmer, Kingsley wants a cheese sandwich, and could someone please feed the inhabitants of Luna and Neville's ridiculously large aquarium room, because it's on the first floor and that's Anti-Elmer territory."

Charlie then proceeded to collapse dramatically on the floor, gasping for breath.

Ron peered at him from the other end of the kitchen. "Elmer's been fed. Are you all right?"

His brother lifted a hand and attempted to wave reassuringly. It ended with a rather pathetic flop.

"I'll take care of the fish," Tonks offered. Ginny choked on her tea.

"Uh, maybe _I_ should take care of that?" the younger girl offered. "No offence, Tonks, but…"

Tonks chuckled wryly. "Good point. I wouldn't want to have to face Luna and Neville if I damaged any of their precious fish."

"Especially Severus," Ginny agreed, eyes twinkling deviously.

"_Especially_ Severus," Tonks agreed fervently, grinning.

Severus growled a little at the mention of his small blue namesake, but couldn't muster the energy to complain about the mutinous words of his subordinates.

Silence reigned in the kitchen as the two groups drank their tea and rested. Charlie remained prone on the floor until Molly leaned down and deposited a platter of cheese sandwiches by his nose.

He twitched a little at the scent and his stomach grumbled loudly.

Molly snorted. "Go on, take those upstairs and share them, before Kingsley starts gnawing chair legs. I know how that man can get when he doesn't get his cheese sandwiches…"

There was a collective shudder. _Everyone_ knew how Kingsley could get when deprived of cheese sandwiches – and it wasn't pretty.

Charlie heaved himself to his feet, retrieved the sandwiches from the floor and retreated to the Religious Squirrel's HQ.

The kitchen fell into silence as everyone drank their tea, besides Molly who was making more sandwiches for the rest of them.

It was at this point, of course, that a rather tired looking Hedwig flew through the window. No one even bothered to move, and Severus allowed her to perch on his shoulder without even a token attempt to shoo her elsewhere.

He didn't even remove Harry's letter until he had taken his first sandwich from the plate Molly put in the middle of the table. Chewing slowly, he untied it and fed Hedwig half of it. She seemed unduly grateful.

Being exhausted, he chose to read the letter silently, and no one protested until he dropped it on the table and began attempting to strangle the air in front of him. Hedwig took flight, heading further into the house.

Remus reached across the table and took possession of the letter, and unlike Severus, read it aloud.

"'_Dear Order,_

_Good morning, all! _

_My Snorkack, Hubert, is a crafty little critter. Very inventive. Loves to dig._

_Sorry if this letter arrives later than usual. I'm a little further away than I should be. Don't worry, I haven't left Privet Drive. Well, I don't think I have._

_You see, like I said, Hubert loves to dig. He's digging a bottomless pit in the Dursley's front yard, and I'm afraid that I've fallen in._

_Don't worry, as soon as she's done bringing you this letter, Hedwig is going to bring me some more rope – just like she brought me this parchment and my quill. I just hope that she remembers to attach it to something first this time…_

_Ah, pets are such troublesome things. I hope you're all enjoying the company of all the animals in Headquarters with you._

_Love Harry_

_PS. My birthday is in two days. I expect gifts. Shiny ones. I also plan to celebrate. Alcohol here I come…'_"

They were all silent until Hedwig flew past them and back out the window, a coil of thin rope clutched in her talons.

Arthur very slowly placed his tea down on the table. "Now, I don't want to sound like I'm crazy, but…do you think it's possible that…he's _serious_?"

"Well, he'll be legally allowed to drink alcohol as a wizard once he's sixteen, I don't see any reason he would joke about such a thing," Luna said from the doorway. "And everyone likes shiny things."

"I'm sending him a polished spoon," Ron decided. "That's shiny."

"I'll send him a camel ear," Severus growled half-heartedly. Ron glared at him feebly.

"Not that, Luna, the Snorkack and the bottomless pit," Hermione corrected.

Luna gave her a look of genuine surprise, and lowered the cheese sandwich she was holding without taking a bite. "Why, of course he's serious. I have never known Harry to kid about such a serious matter."

Not even Hermione had the energy to enter into a debate about Snorkacks with Luna Lovegood that night, and so Luna collected a second platter of cheese sandwiches and a jug of pumpkin juice before retreating once more to, presumably, Moody's bedroom.

* * *

_If nothing else, this chapter just proves that I have no control over this story whatsoever. It was never meant to be this way! In fact, I genuinely have no idea how it _did _turn out like this. _

_Nevertheless, this is the way it turned out. And so, War has overtaken the Order of the Bird Of Your Choice and Severus Snape still might get his camel fillets. Whatever shall happen next? It is impossible to predict._

_Besides, the real question is this: How, exactly, is Hedwig going to tie that rope to anything? She may be the most awesome owl since, well, ever, but still, she _is_ an owl. ...How is she going to catch up to Harry, who has presumably been falling for many hours now? And if Hubert the Snorkack gets tired and takes a break, will it result in our Boy-Hero's untimely demise?_

_In case it was not blatantly obvious, this author's note is being written on sleep deprivation (is what happens when internet-deprived Wolfie temporarily gets internet)._

_Um. Okay then. Please review. Because I love each and every one of you reviewers like I love kittens, bettas, candy and Adam Hills. Seriously. I only wish I could take the time to respond to each and every one of you._

_Love to all,_

_Wolfie_


	12. Letter Twelve

_**Dear Order**_

_**Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Overly Inebriated Owl**_

_By SilverWolf7007_

_**Letter Twelve – "Ow."**_

A temporary truce had been called over the next two days in order for everyone to organize the procuration of birthday presents, wrap them (or have someone else wrap them, in several cases), and send them off into the darkness.

On Harry's sixteenth birthday the Anti-Elmer Squad and the Defenders of the Camel resumed warfare and the Tea Club reclaimed the kitchen. Leadership of the Religious Squirrels had been transferred from Luna to Kingsley, and Molly was making sure that all three factions received regular deliveries of sandwiches and pumpkin juice.

Luna, having abandoned the Religious Squirrels early on in the day, had taken to sitting mysteriously still in the corner of the kitchen and staring blankly at the wall with a vague smirk. Occasionally, she would chuckle. When asked, she had assured the Tea Club that she was 'quite fine, thank you', and seeing as she was eating regularly and taking bathroom breaks they let her be.

The next day Luna rejoined the Religious Squirrels just in time to assist with a raid on the Defenders of the Camel that nearly resulted in Elmer being camel-napped. Luckily Bill intercepted Charlie and Neville just in time to prevent them making off with the animal and the Squirrels were forced to retreat. Luna chose to have Kingsley remain their leader, as he was having entirely too much fun to give up the position without, as she put it, 'sulking away the rest of the war'.

At around seven that evening, Molly enlisted the rest of the Tea Club to assist her in locating everyone in the building and bringing them into the kitchen for 'a proper dinner' (using force, if necessary).

No one bothered to protest too much (except Kingsley, who would have been more than happy with his cheese sandwiches, and Severus, just on principle) and by eight thirty they were all seated around the kitchen table, on which was more vegetables and roasted meat than they would possibly be able to eat. Many of them suspected that Molly was going to be sending them leftovers instead of sandwiches during the following day's warfare.

Hedwig flew into the room in a decidedly odd manner and crash-landed in a bowl of mashed potatoes in an Errol-like fashion. Ginny rescued both her and Harry's letter, handing the latter to Ron and taking Hedwig to the sink.

Ron reluctantly put his fork down, swallowed his mouthful and opened the letter, beginning to read as Ginny attempted to rinse the worst of the potato off Hedwig.

"'_Dear Order, _

_Ow. My head. Harry no like hangover._

_Love Harry.'_"

"That's it?" Fred demanded, staring at Ron in astonishment.

George looked highly affronted. "He didn't even say thank you!"

Ron rolled his eyes. "I was taking a break, calm down." He quickly ate a few mouthfuls, choked, and had to be rescued by Mad-Eye.

"Chew your food, laddie," the auror growled.

Once Ron had fully recovered, he resumed reading Harry's letter.

"'_PS. Ron, thanks for the soup spoon. It's very shiny. Snape, no thanks for the voodoo camel. You have serious issues. Stop picking on Elmer.'_ Hey, how does Harry know about Elmer?"

"I am of the belief that he had been behind all of the strange happenings here this summer," Severus said dryly.

"Yes, but you also believe Harry is behind overpriced potions ingredients, global warming, and that door," Remus said, gesturing to the basement door on the other side of the kitchen.

Severus did not strangle Remus. He thought he was being very restrained. Luna began smirking at the wall again.

Ron cleared his throat, apparently ignoring the mystery of Harry's knowledge of Elmer for the time being. "_'Fred, George, I'm sure you're both falling off the edge of your seats in anticipation…so I'll thank you guys last. Ha.'_"

Fred and George, never ones to turn down a challenge, both fell off the edge of their seats. George managed to flip a forkful of peas at Minerva in the same move, and was rewarded by a rainfall of carrots. Albus averted Fred's attempt at avenging his twin and stopped the emerging food fight in its tracks. As the twins clambered back onto their chairs the Headmaster gestured for Ron to continue reading.

"'_Molly, Arthur, thanks for the cake and pies and candy and vegetables and…other food…and for the disco ball. It looks great in my current location.'_"

Ron looked up and stared at his parents in shock. "Disco ball?"

Molly blushed slightly and gave Arthur a reproachful look, at which he smiled sheepishly and shrugged. "It's shiny, and he seems to like it."

Rolling his eyes once more, Ron resumed reading. "_'Professor McGonagall, I really appreciate you going to the trouble of buying my schoolbooks this year. I'd attempt to pay you back but I _read_ the note you wrote in my Transfiguration text, so I'll just be grateful and say thank you and keep my spleen right where it is.'_"

Minerva's smile was smug and not a little vindictive, but she didn't speak and no one dared to ask exactly what her note to Harry had contained.

"'_Sherbet lemons, shiny socks, a cake and a new set of robes…thanks, Headmaster. I will make use of everything you sent me – I'll eat the sweets and cake, I'll wear the socks, and I'll use these robes as a defence against Death Eaters someday – because _no one_ can see electric blue robes with pineapples and bananas on them and remain unscarred.'_" Ron shuddered. "I can't even _imagine_ them and remain unscarred," he moaned.

"It is a truly terrifying image," Luna said gravely, still staring at the wall.

No one but Albus disagreed, and he merely murmured something about no one understanding his fashion sense these days ("_What_ sense?" Mad-Eye scoffed) before waving a hand at Ron.

"'_Hermione, this new copy of Hogwarts: A History is fantastic – you realise that Ron and I have never read it before simply because you never let it out of your clutches, right? Now I can finally discover why you like it so much…has it got dirty pictures in it? Is that why?'_" By the time he finished reading that paragraph Ron was shaking with barely-contained laughter.

His brothers, Ginny and Neville had no such restraint – Fred and George fell off their chairs once more, while Bill and Charlie were slapping each other on the back. Neville was bright red but still laughing, and Ginny was snickering as well – though more at the outraged expression on Hermione's face than at Harry's words.

Hermione sputtered near-incoherently in an attempt to deny such 'heinous accusations' against her personal bible, and eventually worked her way to a full sentence, directed at Ron. "I don't _really_ prevent you two from reading it, do I?"

Ron answered reluctantly. "Well…you've never offered to lend either of us your copy. And that one time I tried to borrow it you yanked it out of my hands and hit me over the head with it, which, by the way, _hurt_."

"You tried to borrow it? The only time I remember hitting you with _Hogwarts: A History_ was when you tried to steal it while I was reading it…"

"You were raving about this one section, I just wanted to see!"

She gaped at him. "I thought you were going to throw it out a _window_!"

They stared at each other in shocked silence for a few moments before Hermione began giggling and Ron's hold over his laughter broke at this apparent misunderstanding. Eventually Ron calmed himself, the twins reclaimed their seats once more and everyone settled down to pay attention.

"'_Ooh, shiny…a shiny plant! Thanks Neville, you'll have to tell me all about it next time you see me. I'm sure that you have more information than what you put in your accompanying note.'_ A shiny _plant_, Neville?"

Neville shrugged, still slightly red. "It has healing properties."

"Certainly something Potter will be able to make use of," Severus said.

Ron nodded amicably and returned his eyes to the letter. "_'Bill – love the pyramid pyjamas, particularly the way they twirl so hypnotically and send you right to slee…'_"

Tonks snickered. "Well that will solve any insomnia he may be experiencing."

Bill grinned. "Plus they're red, so with the little gold pyramids they're very house-oriented."

Severus gave a disgusted snort.

"'…_Okay, I'm back. Charlie, these dragon-hide gloves are the most awesome gloves I have ever owned, thanks!'_"

"Sewed them myself," Charlie said with a straight face. Ginny, Molly and Bill knew better and laughed at him.

"'_Ginny, Tonks, I love you. This is the most fantastically hilarious collection of photographs I have ever seen. I really like the 'Tommy in bikini', 'Tommy Snogging Twin', 'Tommy Flirting with Many Weasley Males in Drag', and 'Tommy Doing Laundry in McGonagall's Green Tartan Dressing Gown' in particular.'_"

Ginny and Tonks grinned.

Kingsley frowned. "Wait, wait. Is that Tommy in drag or Weasley males in drag?"

Five Weasley males went bright red. Arthur chuckled and answered for them. "Weasley males in drag. It was…entertaining to watch, to say the least."

"What kind of father are you?" Fred asked while George gave a scandalised gasp.

Arthur gave him a steady look. "One who's spent over eighteen years raising _you two_, which gives me every right to make fun of you mercilessly."

"Touché, Dad," they chorused.

Ron took a drink of water before he spoke, half wishing he had given the letter to someone else – _they_ were all still able to eat. "_'Thanks for the hipflask, Mad-Eye, and thanks even more for filling it up. Ultimate thanks for sending those hangover potions as well – they were put to very good use.'_"

Molly probably would have read Mad-Eye the riot act for giving Harry alcohol, but the ex-Auror had evidently foreseen her reaction and Silenced her before she had the chance. Ron actually sighed in relief.

"'_Kingsley…um. Thanks for the cheese sandwich? It was great. And thanks for the new trunk; my old one just wasn't cool anymore.'_"

Everyone took a moment to raise an eyebrow or two at Kingsley, who shrugged. "Cheese sandwiches are good for the soul."

Ron shook his head slowly. "_'Ah, Remus, what can I say? That is possibly the shiniest feather boa in existence, and it frightens me that you say it used to belong to Sirius. My father's sparkly shoes are no better. Are you trying to traumatise me? ...but thanks for the chocolate and my mother's locket. Insert sappy sentimental hug and tears here.'_"

Remus seemed torn between a mischievous cackle and a rather teary smile. It made for an interesting facial expression.

Molly smiled gently at him and patted him on the shoulder.

Severus, on the other hand, stared at him in horror. "Was it…_that_ feather boa?"

"Yes, Severus, yes it was," Remus admitted, almost smirking.

With a shudder, Severus turned to Ron. "Keep reading, Weasley, and assist me in blocking the existence of that monstrosity out of my memory once more."

"Gladly. _'Luna…nice robe. I bet this is what all the fashionable Death Eaters are wearing this season.'_"

"Lovegood, did you send Potter my robe?"

"Indeed I did. You instructed me to never return it to your possession; as such I determined that it would be sufficiently shiny to appease Harry's wishes."

Severus shrugged. "Fair enough."

"Can I finish? Thank you. _'Thanks, all. Love Harry, again.'_"

"That's it?" George shrieked, grabbing Fred dramatically.

"Are we truly that unloved?" Fred asked shakily, clutching onto George's arm.

Ron chuckled. "Fine, fine, I'll stop torturing you. _'PPS. Oh all right, Fred, George, I didn't forget you guys. Thank you, from the bottom of my slightly tipsy heart, for the firewhisky, the enchanted singing mice, the magical bubble-wrap, the Gryffindor coloured potions set (which I will definitely be using if I get into Snape's potions class), the plethora of fake wands and, most of all, for the owl-cohol. Hedwig loves the stuff. I hope I won't have to send her to AAA meetings._

_Third time's the charm, Love Harry,'._"

Molly was still unable to speak, but attempted to launch herself across the table to throttle her sons. Arthur held her back, pointing out that Harry _was_ of age now, after all, and at least he had Mad-Eye's hangover potions. This did little to appease Molly.

Severus was twitching at the very thought of red and gold potions equipment, and most likely at the thought of Harry making it into his class as well (he had, in fact, done so, but Severus had been trying to repress that fact until the beginning of term).

Finally Ginny asked the question that was on most of their minds. "What's AAA?"

"Avian Alcoholics Anonymous," Luna, Fred and George answered.

Hedwig's hoot sounded embarrassed from where she was perched on the dish rack, attempting to finish cleaning and drying her feathers. Ginny petted her head sympathetically.

Kingsley sighed. "I'm not sure that Harry is the only disturbed one of you lot."

Fred and George feigned insult. Luna merely giggled at the wall.

* * *

_It's been less than two months. No one die of shock, now. Not only that, but this is the longest chapter yet. _

_Wolfie may have forgotten to go anywhere today, but it turned out for the best in many ways. Wolfie also should have gone to bed hours ago, but refused to leave this chapter unfinished. Why? Well, what if Wolfie had left it half done and gone to bed...and woken up with no idea of where to take the chapter? Is tragic, tragic thing when this happens. _

_Well, because Wolfie loves you, Wolfie chose to post almost immediately after completion. She gave it a reread, fixed a few things, added a few things (that last part about Hedwig, because Hedwig sort of got forgotten in the reading of the letter), and is now writing this author's note as ramblingly as possible._

_Wolfie would also like to announce that she has internets now, and while this does not necessarily mean more frequent updates, it will mean that when Wolfie has things to post she will be able to do so. Like right now. So yay._

_Wolfie is going to bed now, and in her sleep will send unconscious love-waves around the world to her reviewers. _

_Love to all readers,_

_Wolfie_


	13. Letter Thirteen

_**Dear Order**_

_**Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Terminally Tardy Toucan**_

_By SilverWolf7007_

_**Letter Thirteen - "Hello again."**_

In the aftermath of Harry's birthday letter, the war between the Defenders of the Camel, the Anti-Elmer Squad, and the Religious Squirrels seemed to lose importance to those involved. It helped that Hermione had realised all of a sudden that she had been neglecting her summer homework (and that none of the other students in residence had so much as looked at theirs), and had taken it upon herself to End Things that very afternoon.

As a result, Elmer was safely confined to a locked room two floors away from Severus' bedroom, Kingsley had been given a big platter of cheese sandwiches to appease his disappointment at the fun ending, and Severus was assured that Elmer could not escape (Dumbledore and Moody had cast the locking spells themselves).

Life at Grimmauld Place quickly returned for what passed for normal, and remained that way until the next morning, an hour or so before lunch.

Severus was sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee because the tea supply was running dangerously low, when Moody sat heavily in a chair across the table from him and regarded him seriously.

After a few moments of silence, Severus sighed and looked up, meeting the man's gaze and raising an eyebrow. "Yes?"

"I think you might be onto something, Snape."

Severus blinked. "I beg your pardon?"

"About Potter being in the house."

"I've said no such thing, Moody. The boy couldn't possibly be here without our knowing." Severus gave the man a pointed look. "_You_ surely would have spotted him by now."

Moody shook his head and banged his hand on the table. "Lupin said just the other day that you believed Potter to be behind the basement door," he growled.

Severus sighed. "You can't believe everything you hear from Remus, Mad-Eye. In fact, you can rest assured that if it pertains to what I do or not believe in regards to Potter, it is in fact untrue."

Moody grumbled to himself, but didn't reply, and moments later took his leave.

Severus should have known that wouldn't be the end of things.

By the next day, Moody had managed to convince the two oldest Weasley boys, Tonks, and even Minerva, that Harry was somewhere within the walls of Grimmauld Place.

Fred and George, overhearing the conversation, had decided that Moody meant that Harry was literally in the walls, and had taken to knocking on them at random moments, calling out to Harry. Needless to say, they had not received any response.

Ron had attempted to join the search, even though he doubted that Harry was anywhere but Little Whinging, but Hermione had instantly cottoned onto his plan to avoid his homework and had dragged him back to the kitchen by his ear.

The only other person who was involved in the search was Kingsley, who had confided to the former Tea Club that though he didn't believe Moody's theory that Harry was hiding in the house, he missed the adventure of the Camel War and just wanted in on the fun.

Kingsley also confided in the Tea Club (and consequently the five school age members of the household, who had spread their homework over more than half of the kitchen table) that he suspected that something had happened to Moody's magical eye – surely the search would have been moot had the eye been working.

Albus had seemed highly amused at Kingsley's suspicions, though if he knew Kingsley was wrong or perhaps he knew that Kingsely was correct, no one was certain.

That evening, Molly served dinner with several frowns toward the end of the table the students were taking up. Everyone else had crowded around the empty half, aside from the students themselves who had each cleared just enough room for their own plates, and Severus, who had taken his plate and set it pointedly atop a pile of Potions essays (one from each student) and was not taking any particular care against spilling anything. Hermione was far too concerned about the safety of her essay, which was at the top of the pile, to even remember to eat her own dinner.

Midway through the meal, Hedwig flew through the open window holding Harry's letter in her beak, and landed gracefully on the back of an empty chair. She looked around the table with a rather pointed stare, as if to ask why no one had taken the letter from her yet and by the way, where was _her_ dinner?

Neville stood from his seat and took the envelope, and rather thoughtfully plated a few extras from dinner and set them in front of the chair Hedwig had claimed. She hooted at him appreciatively and dug in, while Neville returned to his own seat to open the letter and read it out.

"_'Dear Order,_

_Hello again. It's me, Harry. You may remember me from such letters as the one soaked in lavender oil,'_"

Remus snorted. "How could I possibly forget?"

"I've been meaning to ask you about that, Remus," Tonks said. "Are you allergic to lavender or something?"

"Not exactly," Remus said with a shrug. "I've just got a very sensitive nose, being a werewolf, and certain scents just...make me sneeze. Lavender being one of them, which Harry knew full well. That brat."

Neville cleared his throat a little nervously and continued. "_'or the previous one that was alarmingly long. _

_I feel the need, today, to remind you that I am in fact still alive. Actually, thanks to the peculiar talent Crumple-Horned Snorcacks have of reversing botched necromancy, I'm not even a zombie skunk any more.'_"

"Thank heavens," Arthur joked.

"_'And in case you've been wondering, Hedwig did manage to rescue me from Hubert's bottomless pit just before my birthday. I really ought to fill that in._

_In totally unrelated news, I haven't seen Dudley for a couple of days..._

_Love Harry'_."

There was, as often was the case, several moments of silence after Neville had finished reading, broken only by the sound of Hedwig finishing off her chicken.

Minerva broke it with a sigh. "Albus, perhaps one of us should go and make sure Potter hasn't genuinely lost his cousin down a bottomless hole."

The Headmaster, unsurprisingly, shook his head. "I am certain, Minerva, that both Harry and his cousin are perfectly safe."

"If the boy's down a pit, _you're_ going down to fetch him out," she said ominously.

"Very well, my dear."

* * *

_Er, hello again. This is Wolfie, letting you know she's not dead. And is, in fact, still writing. _

_Wolfie will not make promises, because she cannot keep them, but she does have Plans, and ideas for at least the next chapter (you know, cos something's up with Mad-Eye's eye and stuff)._

_Wolfie hopes everyone enjoyed this chapter._

_Much Love,_

_Wolfie_


	14. Letter Fourteen

_**Dear Order**_

_**Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Horrifically Harried Hawk**_

_By SilverWolf7007_

_**Letter Fourteen – "After finishing my Potions homework…"**_

It didn't take long for Bill and Charlie to lose interest in Moody's search for Harry and go in search of food, leaving only Kingsley and Tonks assisting Moody. Their return to the kitchen provided a welcome distraction from homework for all but Hermione, though even she reluctantly let her attention be drawn from her Transfiguration essay in order to hear what they had to say.

"There's definitely something up with Mad-Eye's magical eye," Bill said as he helped himself to a sandwich. "There isn't a spell or potion known that can fool it, so I can't believe that Mad-Eye thinks it's possible that Harry's found one. And he'd have finished searching within the hour if he trusted what he was seeing with it."

Charlie nodded, hastily swallowing his own sandwich in order to add, "So Bill and I thought we might take a look around to see if Mad-Eye's lost it around here or something."

"Surely he would have mentioned something if it had gone missing here?" Molly said, only seeming to be paying half attention. She was making yet more sandwiches to add to the platter on the table, having taken to keeping it full and under charms to keep them fresh. It had become almost impossible to gather everyone for regular meals over the past few days, not to mention the growing piles of essays and schoolbooks taking up the table, and this way she felt sure that no one was going hungry.

"'Course he wouldn't," Bill scoffed, "not exactly 'constant vigilance' to lose your own eye, Mum."

Arthur nodded. "That's a good point. He did mention having some difficulties with it a couple of weeks ago."

Bill frowned thoughtfully but didn't speak as Kingsley, looking oddly morose, drifted into the kitchen to inspect the sandwich platter. After a moment his shoulders slumped, he looked up, bestowing a sorrowful look of betrayal upon Molly, and then left the room empty handed.

Molly sighed loudly. "Honestly, that man!" she huffed.

Albus chuckled, eyes twinkling over his tea cup. "Perhaps he would be better pleased if there were some sandwiches with cheese in them, Molly?"

"There are several different types of sandwich on that platter, Albus, at least half of which contain cheese!" she snapped. "He refuses to eat them unless they're on plain white bread with nothing more than cheese and butter!"

There was a moment of quiet during which Hermione, Arthur, and the four present Weasley children all shivered in fear. Refusing to eat Molly Weasley's cooking was likely to result in a similar outcome to most of Fred and George's potion experiments - explosive and messy.

Then Albus cleared his throat, albeit a little nervously. "Ah, well, perhaps-"

"NO!" Charlie, Bill, and Ginny shouted.

The Headmaster fell silent in utter shock, unused to being both shouted at and interrupted. He then took notice of the distinctly worrisome way Molly was wielding the butter knife, a dangerous glint in her eye, and thought better of suggesting she just make Kingsley some plain cheese sandwiches.

He cleared his throat again. "Perhaps he should be less, ahem, picky?" he suggested weakly.

Molly relaxed her grip on the knife slightly, and the tension in the room lessened, but no one dared speak for almost half an hour.

Hermione was getting into the most interesting part of her essay and even having a bit of a breakthrough, managing to ignore Ron's grumbling about being bored, Ginny acting out a goblin war with a set of salt and pepper shakers, Neville humming happily to himself as he wrote his Herbology essay, and even that Luna was drawing a large picture of a flamingo over the top of her Charms essay and giggling maniacally.

Naturally, that moment of peace and quiet and wonderful intellectual realizations was the moment that Hedwig arrived with a loud hoot and completely erased all Transfiguration epiphanies from Hermione's mind.

Hedwig flew to the back of an empty chair across the table, and once she was still they could all see her tail feathers were singed and she looked quite ruffled.

"Oh my," Minerva murmured, reaching out and smoothing the feathers on the owl's head. Hedwig hooted thankfully in response.

As though they knew Harry's letter had arrived, Remus and Severus stepped into the room, followed by the twins. The latter two walked over to Hedwig, Fred taking the letter and George looking closely at her tail feathers.

"I thought I heard Hedwig," Remus said with a smile. "Have we read Harry's letter yet?"

"Not yet," Arthur said. "I suppose someone ought to."

"Er, Professor," George said suddenly, turning to Severus. "Is it just me, or does Hedwig look as though she's just escaped a potions explosion?"

Severus inspected the owl, and then scowled. "Yes, Weasley, it does appear that way."

"I think you better open that letter, Fred," Ron suggested, dropping his quill eagerly.

Fred grinned and nodded before doing so.

"_'__Dear Order,_

_After finishing my Potions homework,'_" Fred paused to grin at the barely suppressed groan Severus let out at that. "_'I have realised that a few of the potions we were assigned to study could be altered and in some cases greatly improved by the addition of a few common spices.'_"

Severus sat down, very pale.

"_'Aunt Petunia wasn't particularly pleased to find me experimenting with them in the kitchen, for some reason. She kept muttering something about kelp. Odd woman._

_Love Harry_

_PS. Could someone come and grow my eyebrows back, please?'_"

"Are you all right, Professor?" Hermione asked, noticing that Severus seemed to be shaking.

The Potions Master let out a choked sound that was, after a few seconds, recognizable as a laugh. "Potter is experimenting with potions. Oh dear lord. He's going to bring Hogwarts down around our ears." He continued muttering in this vein under his breath. Remus patted him on the shoulder in an attempt at comfort.

"Right then!" Bill said suddenly, standing from his chair and striking a dramatic pose. "I'm going on a dangerous mission to find Mad-Eye Moody's magical eye! Who's with me?"

Ron, Charlie, and Ginny immediately leapt from their seats, along with the slightly less enthusiastic Neville and Luna, and the five of them followed Bill out of the kitchen.

Hermione shrugged, tossed down her quill, and joined them.

* * *

_What is this a second update in one year? Ahem. Wolfie wishes she had more time to write, as Wolfie would dearly love to update weekly or something. Alas, Wolfie spends too much time working/procrastinating/sleeping._

_Wolfie hopes this chapter is up to scratch, and also hopes she manages to get the next chapter out a bit sooner. There is currently a very brief outline for each of the remaining chapters, so if nothing else, Wolfie knows where Dear Order is going. _

_And now Wolfie needs to actually be at work in less than eight hours and therefore must get some sleep._

_Thank you to everyone who has reviewed, and to everyone who has read this chapter. Wolfie hopes everyone got some kind of enjoyment from it._

_Much, Much, Much Love,_

_Wolfie_


	15. Letter Fifteen

_**Dear Order**_

_**Or, Twenty-One Letters to the Order of the Marvellously Magical Macaw**_

_By SilverWolf7007_

_**Letter Fifteen – "You may notice that Hedwig is a little more colourful than usual."**_

After two days, Hermione was ready to admit they were never going to find Moody's magical eye. Unfortunately, she was the only one of the group willing to give up, and given some of the things they had come across during the search, she wasn't quite ready to walk away.

They had crossed paths with Moody, Tonks, and Kingsley several times, though they hadn't told them what they were doing. Moody seemed to be becoming more and more irritated with his lack of success, while Kingsley was still sulking over his lack of cheese sandwiches. Tonks had confided that she was only still tagging along because she found both their attitudes highly entertaining.

They had also, very early one morning, encountered an escaped camel on the fourth floor. The five of them had stared silently, and Elmer had stared back. Then both the group of humans and the camel went their own way.

Hermione did wonder how he had escaped, though by lunch time she had her suspicions. They had found Fred and George cackling in the attic, which seemed rather like an admission of guilt (though it could also be attributed to the fluffy pink stuffed unicorn Fred was holding. Hermione was fairly certain she didn't want to know).

They had also passed an amused Remus on the stairs late that night, followed by Severus, muttering furiously to himself and glowering suspiciously at Luna, who just smiled innocently.

A few hours after that, Charlie fell asleep with his forehead resting against the door of a second floor bathroom. Moments later Bill, leaning against the wall, stopped speaking mid-sentence, and after several prompts for him to finish what he was saying, they realised he too had fallen asleep. They had thoughtfully moved both men to actually lie on the floor before heading further down the hallway.

Soon, Ginny tripped on a rug and chose to stay down, Luna shrugging and lying on the floor beside her. Ron, too, barely made into the next room, passing out in the doorway.

Hermione and Neville had crossed the hallway to the next nearest bedroom, though neither of them actually made it to a bed before curling up on the floor and falling asleep.

* * *

The first thing Hermione noticed when she woke up was the birdsong, and the second was the rock digging uncomfortably into her hip.

She didn't open her eyes immediately. Instead, she shifted to a more comfortable spot, contemplated whether they had all been victims of a sleeping spell of some kind, and inhaled the fresh, earthy, floral scent of the rainforest.

"Hermione?" she heard Neville say softly from somewhere to her left. "Are you awake?"

She sighed. "Yes, Neville, I believe I am."

"We appear to be in a rainforest."

"You mean Headquarters has been decorated as a rainforest, this time?"

Neville hesitated before answering, and in the silence Hermione thought she heard a roar. "No, I mean we actually seem to be in a rainforest."

Hermione opened her eyes and stared up through the canopy of trees in shock. She could see sunlight through cracks between the trees, saw a few large, colourful birds flying above her, even thought she saw a monkey of some kind swinging from branch to branch.

"When I find out how Harry is doing this, I am going to do something very unkind to him," Hermione said, as calmly as she possibly could. It didn't seem to have been calm enough, as Neville looked rather nervous when she sat up to look at him. "I wonder where everyone is?"

Neville shrugged, looking behind them to where the doorway had been. "I'd say somewhere out there in the wilderness, since we don't seem to have rooms to judge by."

They headed in the direction they thought they had come from the night before, and while they didn't find any of the others, they did find a staircase.

Hermione just stared. "There can't be a staircase in a rainforest, Neville."

Neville gingerly patted her on the shoulder. "There, there. It's magic, remember?"

They chose to descend, and eventually found the rest of the occupants of the house sitting in a small clearing, around a large rock with a platter of sandwiches upon it.

"I take it this is the kitchen?" Hermione asked, sitting down next to Ginny and reaching for a sandwich.

"Judging from the sandwiches, we believe so," Albus replied. "Did everyone enjoy their morning stroll through the rainforest?"

He received many glares and a couple of eye rolls, one cheery "oh yes!" from Luna, and an embarrassed smile and nod from Neville.

"That boy has gone too far this time," Moody growled. His magical eye was spinning wildly, though no one believed it was doing him any good.

"I'm not sure Potter is behind any of this at all," Severus muttered, eyeing Luna with great suspicion.

No one paid him any attention, and he himself forgot all about Luna as Elmer walked into view, seemingly intent on reaching the sandwich platter.

Directly behind the camel was a large tiger. Everyone tensed, pulling their wands out ready to defend themselves.

Hermione was closest to the tiger, and almost started backing away until she looked the animal in his yellow eyes. She blinked. "Crookshanks?"

The tiger let out an odd mewling sound and gave Hermione a pathetic, put upon look. Hermione quickly put away her wand and ran to her cat-turned-tiger, cooing at him. "Oh my poor baby, what did that mean, nasty Harry do to you?"

After a few minutes of soaking up Hermione's sympathy and love, Crookshanks looked up and growled fiercely. Elmer froze mere inches from the sandwich platter, having snuck closer while everyone was watching Hermione. He was, in fact, standing directly beside Severus, who when he noticed leapt backwards, swearing loudly.

Crookshanks snarled, and Elmer slowly retreated until he was out of sight.

"I'm rather fond of your cat in this form, Miss Granger," Severus admitted, smirking. "Perhaps we should keep him this way."

Hermione glared, though Crookshanks himself didn't seem adverse to the idea.

They all looked up as a large blue and yellow bird dove down at them, startled when it landed on Kingsley's shoulder.

"Is that a Macaw?" Charlie asked, leaning closer to investigate.

"No," Kingsley said, a pained look on his face. "I believe it's an owl."

The bird gave a strangled sound halfway between a screech and a hoot, seemingly to confirm Kingsley's statement.

"That's Hedwig?" Remus said, startled. "How could you tell?"

"The way her talons are yet again drawing my blood was enough to give me a hint," Kingsley told him dryly.

Charlie reached over and untied the letter from Hedwig's leg, stroking her back for a moment before opening the letter.

"_'Dear Order,_

_I went hunting for some kelp, because Aunt Petunia seemed to think my potions needed some. I don't know where she got that idea, all I managed was to set fire to her kitchen curtains and turn my Pepper-Up Potion pink.'_"

"I sincerely hope he didn't drink any," Bill chuckled.

Severus snorted. "I sincerely hope he _did_."

Charlie rolled his eyes. "_'Anyway, I poured it down the sink and it worked wonders on the blockage we had. _

_I made Aunt Petunia some tea to make up for destroying her curtains, but for some reason she just screamed and threw it at me before running away. I am beginning to suspect she has had some bad experiences with Potions.'_"

Both Remus and Severus coughed to cover a guilty laugh and an evil snicker, respectively.

"_'You may notice that Hedwig is a little more colourful than usual. I think she fell into a couple of paint tins, or has been dabbling in home decorating. I may need to check her cage for hidden owl-cohol, in case she has fallen off the wagon.'_" Charlie paused and gave Hedwig a sympathetic smile. "I wouldn't blame you if you had." She squawked sadly in response.

"Poor Hedwig," the twins chorused. "Spending so much time with Harry would drive anyone to drink."

"_'Well, still alive for now,_

_Love Harry'_."

Hedwig, having done her duty, took off from Kingsley's shoulder and flew into the distance.

No one spoke.

"Now what?" Ron said, finally breaking the silence.

"I don't know about the rest of you," Severus began, a predatory light in his eyes, "but I'm taking Granger's tiger and going camel hunting." And with that, he headed off in the direction Elmer had gone, Crookshanks obediently following at his heels.

"Hey!" Ron shouted. "Leave Elmer alone!" He stood and gave chase. Grinning, the other four Weasley boys followed.

"Well, that sounds fun," Luna said to the nearest tree. "I believe I shall go along."

Ginny jumped up at that. "Luna scents shenanigans like Kingsley does cheese sandwiches," she explained at seeing the startled looks from her parents. "I'm not missing out."

Kingsley followed along too, possibly because the mere mention of his favourite food drew him in.

Hermione sighed. "Well, I can't exactly go back to my homework. Knowing Harry, it's currently flying about the tree tops."

"And we can't go back to what we _were_ doing," Neville added with a wary glance at Moody. "Everything we were looking through is rocks and leave now."

"Plus, you really just want the chance to study some of the plants," she teased.

Neville smiled sheepishly. "Well, yeah. I'm pretty sure I saw a giant flower eat a monkey earlier. I want to find that one!"

Hermione laughed. "Of course."

They shared a look, grinned, and chased after the others.

* * *

_Why, hello again. Fancy us meeting again so soon. Despite needing sleep and having a nasty headache, Wolfie decided to have a go at starting chapter fifteen. And found herself finishing it. _

_The rainforest was originally going to appear at the beginning of chapter fourteen, but it just didn't fit. It may or may not be gone by chapter sixteen. Wolfie will not know until said chapter is written._

_Wolfie's furry feline friend Harvey wishes Wolfie to provide food, therefore Wolfie must post this chapter quickly before Harvey starts chewing Wolfie's typing fingers._

_Hoping everyone enjoyed this chapter, and that no one has died of the shock from such a quick update._

_Much love to all,_

_Wolfie_


End file.
